Over the past few months things have been hard, harder than anything I've been through (that I can remember).
At first the promise of finally having health insurance again was a HUGE relief because I could finally start seeing the doctors I've needed to get questions answered. The beginning of the year started with just that: lots of doctors. At that point the specialists I needed to see included: pain management, neurologist, rheumatologist, orthopedist, chiropractor, gastroenterologist, and a psychiatrist. Now I've had to add a cardiologist, pulmonologist, and a hemotologist/oncologist.
Oddly enough having access to insurance somewhat lead to my recent cardiac and pulmonary issues; no it can't be proven but it makes sense. Without insurance I wouldn't have gone to the hospital for what felt like a persistent anxiety attack and ended up being a tachycardia issue that required surgery. Follow up hospital stays continued to happen because of knowing that there were heart issues that needed monitoring.
During all of this I've been trying to make being an educator a sustainable field of work, keeping up with leather orders that have been getting harder and harder to do (physically and financially), applying for disability, and trying to see if there was a "regular job" that I could do without losing everything I've been working towards. In other words financial stability seemed far from within reach, which made all the medical stuff harder. In the meantime it seemed that we may have found an opportunity that would make things all finally fit, but it too fell to pieces.
The "last straw" (that I'm willing to put out into the world) was that our landlord for the past 4 years decided that they didn't want to renew our lease again because they wanted to raise the rent by 50%, something we had no way of making happen. The news came just over 30 days from the end of our lease, which could have been fine if it was the only issue going on. Unfortunately the move-out date was right in the middle of my medical flare-up where I was in no shape to look for new places let alone pack a whole house. So, we spent the next month with me in and out of the hospital and essentially telling the landlord that they can evict us if they'd like, but there was no way we'd be out by the time they wanted us out.
This past weekend we finally hit that date of no return, we HAD to be out or else. So, thanks to a small handful of people, and burning through a good portion of my medication for the month, we were able to pack up 99% of our home and put it into storage. We took the necessities and are now staying with some fantastic friends who had a spare room and have been simply trying to recover, but life wasn't done with us yet. Less than a month from finally having a functional car again, the car broke and needs repairs. The final cherry? Our TV got damaged during the moving process and no longer works either.
At the end of the day I'm grateful for the friends who helped get us packing materials, who drove over an hour to help us pack in the middle of the night, who took in our pets that couldn't come with us to our temporary new place, who opened their home for us so we could avoid homelessness, those who checked on me and reminded me to check my heart rate, and those who have been understanding when I've had to cancel appearances.
So what now?
Currently there's a great deal of just trying to stay on the positive side of the dirt, everything one day at a time, but lately it's been a bit harder to achieve than usual. No, I'm not at risk for hurting myself, but I'm also not perfect either.
I need people/friends to help me feel less lonely, whether that means trips to the mall, a road-trip buddy/co-educator, or something else entirely. Mainly I just need connections for the medical and non-medical part(s) of life, a reminder that I matter.
Thanks again to those who have stuck by me through all of this (and those who spent the time reading all of this post). Y'all seriously make it easier to make it from one day to the next.
Thank you. 😭
Ignixia is an international kink and alternative sexuality educator. The following blog entries range from educational information and resources from her classes to daily musings had on things occurring in the world.